How to Support Families in Early Grief

This article, written by Tahnae Allen, Ph.D., Pediatric Neuropsychologist at Cook Children’s for Cook Children’s Checkup Newsroom, is part of a series on helping families come to terms with the tragedy of the Central Texas floods. It is shared with permission. 

In January 2025, a close friend of mine experienced the devastating loss of her 5-year-old son, Harvey, due to complications from a congenital heart defect. Watching her navigate the depth of that grief gave me a new understanding of how isolating and overwhelming child loss can be — and how essential the right kind of support truly is.

In the aftermath of the recent, tragic Texas floods — where so many families, including young children, lost their lives — this same friend was moved to write a personal list on how others can support grieving parents. She created it from her own lived experience and as a way to offer something concrete and heartfelt to others now facing unimaginable sorrow.

With her blessing, I’m sharing this list in hopes that it will guide friends, extended family members, and community supporters who want to help, but may not know how. Grief is overwhelming and isolating, but thoughtful support — even in the smallest ways — can be healing.

Offer Emotional Support 

• Any message of love, encouragement, or remembrance — text or handwritten — can be impactful.
• Reach out even if you haven’t been in touch recently or don’t feel “close enough.” Grieving families often find comfort in hearing from old friends.
• The message doesn’t need to be perfect — sentiment matters more than wording.
• Bonus: Share a photo, memory, or specific trait you remember about their child. It offers a small but powerful piece of their memory back to the family.

Support Surviving Siblings 

• If your children are close in age, consider inviting their child over to play or planning a low-pressure outing.
• Grieving parents often feel guilt about not being emotionally or physically available to their surviving children. Helping with sibling play can be a double gift: a break for the parent and joy for the child.
• If possible, organize a group or rotating schedule to plan recurring playdates, reducing the parent’s mental load.
• Even for younger kids, entertainment — without the need for deep conversations — can be valuable.

Give Practical Gifts

• Food delivery is invaluable. It removes the burden of planning meals during an emotionally and mentally overwhelming time.
• Coordinate with others to avoid gaps or over-saturation in meal deliveries.
• Allow monetary donations in meal trains if possible — unexpected expenses related to grief (e.g., funeral expenses, therapy) can be significant.
• Don’t underestimate the value of supporting healthy coping outlets like therapy, physical movement, and time outside.

Avoid Common Missteps

• Avoid toxic optimism (e.g., “at least…” phrases like “at least you had five good years”). These phrases can feel dismissive and hurtful.
• Don’t ask “how are you?” — it’s hard to answer honestly. Try “I’ve been thinking of you” or “It’s good to see you” instead. These phrases feel more supportive and less demanding of a painful answer.
• Don’t avoid using their child’s name. The parent chose that special name just for them; the loss of using it adds to the pain. It may feel tender, but hearing their name affirms their memory and legacy.
• Refrain from saying, “Let me know how I can help.” Most grieving people won’t reach out, even if they need something. Offer specific help instead: “I can bring dinner Wednesday,” or “Can I take your kids to the park for an hour?”

In times of collective grief — whether from personal loss or community tragedy — we often search for ways to feel less alone and more connected. At Cook Children’s, we recognize that many families are grieving together right now, and we want you to know that you are not alone. We are here to offer support, guidance, and compassionate care as you navigate the days ahead. Even in the darkest seasons, community and kindness can be a powerful source of light.