Worthy Convos: Brad Nowlin on Premarital Counseling and Building the Foundation to a Happy, Healthy Marriage
We started Worthy Convos to highlight people doing good and interesting things in our community. Brad Nowlin is a longtime friend of Tanglewood Moms and Madeworthy. While some may shy away from the idea of premarital counseling, Brad knows that it offers a solid foundation from which to build a marriage. He generously took time to participate in our Worthy Convo.

Tanglewood Moms: What exactly is premarital counseling? How does it differ from other counseling?
Brad Nowlin: Premarital counseling offers a couple the opportunity to work with a counselor to create a structured, comprehensive path for success that highlights the couple’s strengths and areas for improvement.

Grace and Brad Nowlin
TWM: Why should couples have counseling before they get married?
BN: It is a smart investment in a relationship because it reduces the odds of divorce, which currently stands at 35% to 45%, by devising a framework for approaching differences and conflicts that every relationship faces. It can result in higher satisfaction, deeper commitment, and reduced conflict between the partners, and isn’t that what we all want?
TWM: What topics cause the most tension between couples – money, sex, children, family, careers?
BN: Money, sex, and parenting are frequent topics that cause tension in many relationships. Illuminating and discussing these areas can help because we can’t address what we can’t see. In other words, we all have blind spots in our relationships. The orgasm gap may be a blind spot. (That’s where 90% of men say their partner experienced an orgasm when only 65% of their partners say they did.) Premarital counseling offers couples a means of communicating with each other in a safe, structured environment, with a neutral third party guiding the conversation.
TWM: What are some “green flags” that tell you that a couple has a strong foundation on which to build their marriage?
BN: A couple’s commitment to each other and their shared values or faith helps with the foundation. I also look for a history of resilience; this is an important strength in any relationship.

photo credit: Gregory Cortez
TWM: How do you distinguish between pre-wedding jitters and a deeper concern for the relationship?
BN: Premarital counseling gives couples a map for success, helping minimize pre-wedding jitters.
TWM: Is conflict itself a red flag for the relationship?
BN: No. If there is no conflict in a marriage, someone is lying. “More marriages die from silence than from violence” is an adage in our field, and I have found it to be true. Your partner cannot know what you need if you do not advocate for yourself, even if that causes temporary conflict.
TWM: Can you walk us through a typical premarital counseling session?
BN: The couple and I review their inventory that I ask them to prepare before our session, and we discuss where the answers agree and where they do not. We then explore why they may disagree and how to communicate and compromise.
TWM: You’re certified to use the Prepare/Enrich inventory with couples. Could you tell us a little bit about that?
BN: It is the best assessment inventory I have found for premarital counseling, and it’s been helping couples for over 45 years. Back in Kansas City, where I previously worked, couples used to fill in circles on a survey with a pencil in my office, and I would mail it to Minnesota and receive a printed report several weeks later. Now, thanks to the Internet, couples can answer the survey on their phones or computers, and I get the report on my phone. It provides an easily understandable framework on which to build a happy, healthy marriage.

TWM: Is there one piece of relationship advice that you think EVERYONE should hear?
BN: Look in the mirror daily and ask yourself, “Am I being the best spouse I can be?” Owning your role in the relationship, not your partner’s, can be liberating
TWM: And finally, if there is ONE myth about premarital counseling that you wish you could bust, what is it?
BN: That premarital counseling is not necessary because the couple is in love. Probabilistic thinking would say you increase the chances of having a great, 10-out-of-10 relationship if you figure out how to communicate effectively before a problem arises in the marriage. Premarital counseling is, in my experience, an essential ingredient in a couple’s marriage.


