Things to Know Before Leaving Home

Sending our children off to college is one of the most difficult things we do as parents.

It’s our job to make sure that they’re ready to go out into the world, but when it comes time to let them go, how can we be sure they’re ready? One Tanglewood Mom recently asked, “Besides things like how to clean, do your laundry, cook, handle money, street smarts, and just being a good human, what was the best, most useful thing you taught someone before they go to college far, far away?” Our community immediately responded with amazing answers. (I only wish I had asked this when my older sprog went to college!)

• “How to call mom when you need help.”
• “Verbal consent before any physical contact. My good friend was on a collegiate board for athletes regarding this matter (trying to keep it PG so my comment doesn’t get blocked). He stated that verbal consent and a verbal answer was the difference in a crime/being removed from the school/ tarnished reputation.”
• “The budget difference in purchasing meals vs prepping food/ cooking. Packing snacks vs impulse buys.”
• “Read the room.”
• “Change a tire. Change the float thingy in your toilet (you know when that thing won’t close and you need to lift the tank lid, adjust etc) along those lines where the main shut off valves are to the toilets, sinks, etc. Change air filters. Type complete responses versus emojis, proper greetings rather than ‘hey so and so’”
• “Never put dish soap in the dishwasher!”
• “How about going into a bank. Writing a check. Always be alert of your surroundings. Place yourself so no one is at your back. Respond don’t panic in an emergency. Know where your important documents are.”
• “How to pack a suitcase! (For a weekend trip, for a week, or to come home over holiday breaks…have a feeling your kids are great at this.) How to “shut down” an apartment at night (IE, make sure candles aren’t burning, doors are locked).”
• “Car care , self-advocacy”
• “How to travel – what documents you need to take, when you need to arrive at the airport, what you can carry on and how it needs to be stored, what to do if your flight is canceled/delayed, plane etiquette, etc.”
• “As someone who wasn’t allowed to even ask questions about drugs without a whole lecture, I knew nothing about drugs or alcohol when I left for college. And as someone who went crazy in college, because I felt like I was free, I would HIGHLY suggest those types of talks. Kids are crazzzyyy nowadays and even though he’s a male, people slip stuff in drinks and all that. It’s really sad.”
• “1. Don’t make a life. 2. Don’t take a life. 3. Everything is figureoutable.”
• “How to keep existing friendships when you are at different schools/different cities. How to make new friendships. Knowing about [alcohol] percentages and drinking slowly. What can happen if you drink too much.”
• “For one of my sons, I found out we needed to talk more about boundaries with new friends he made, and being taken advantage of (2 students coerced a lot of money out of him by making him feel sorry for them). With my other, although we had talked about it some, we should have talked about suicide more. We had openly talked about his mental health, but not as much about those around him and he did lose a good friend. I guess that’s another thing to discuss, some college students have their own guns. I would not have expected that but families have different opinions and beliefs and I just wasn’t aware some already had their own guns.”
• “Budgeting, checking in on family and friends, time management”
• “Spare set of keys. Have a set put in a safe place or entrusted to a responsible friend in case of emergencies. Air Tags are also good for backpacks, wallets, etc. I can’t tell you how many times my daughters lost their keys while in college. Find a church or other source of older adults (not fellow students) who can be there in an emergency until you can get there. A dash camera is always a good idea. ‘If something doesn’t feel right, get out of the situation.’ Family 360 or similar apps are good, even for college students!”
• “What to do in a medical emergency. If you don’t have a POA, they need to know how to make sure you are listed on all forms so you have access to their records etc. What to do in case of car accident – take photos, call for help, document everything. All of their insurance info for auto and medical. Consent, consent, consent. Think everyone could have bad intentions as far as videos or photos go. A few months is not enough time to really know someone and a negative digital footprint can ruin your life. Never leave a friend behind! My son is hooked up with my uber account and we don’t judge if it’s needed. Other things that have helped him is setting a schedule for laundry with his roommate to do together and hold each other accountable, weekly budgets and grocery order, communicate ahead of time about cleaning and having guests in the room. I’m a ‘silent’ phone person but I have my college student (actually all my kids) number set to ring no matter what.”
• “How to pay bills, how to create a budget, how to not mess up your credit.”
• “How to spot and and avert manipulative and abusive people. Unfortunately this was a lesson that took way too long for me to learn. You’re likely raising an exemplary human. Loving, caring people are big targets.”
• “Health Center- how to book appointment, what services they offer, and how to use their insurance. Cook 3 healthy things. Grocery store pick up on app that you both have access to. I could order food and she could just pick up when she was stressed! Conflict management. How to advocate for themselves but also how to set boundaries and have those conversations. The importance of talking to professors and your advisor is your best friend. All the different support systems on campus. Tutoring – how it works, when to get tutoring (2nd week of class), Understanding office hours and how to set appointments, where the library is and why it is where you go to study – not your room. Join an academic/leadership group, a social group and one tied directly to your major. But, unlike HS. don’t pick 20 organizations, at least in your first semester. Be brutally honest on the roommate survey – potluck may find your best friend, then room with those you know second year. Turn up your study habits x 7 from HS. College is meant to challenge you. Unless you are on your death bed and have a note from the health center, go to class! Every single one. Missing one class could be like missing 3-6 chapters in the book.”
• “It is ok to fail IF you tried your hardest. It is ok to say NO and stand up for yourself and others. You are only a phone call away and it is ok to call any time of day or night. Never ever take food, drink, candy, or medicine from someone you do not know, especially at a party. Stay with your laundry, people will either dump it on the table or/and take a few pieces for their wardrobe. Take minimal clothing and things. If they need it- you can bring it up on a visit, they can grab it when they come home, ship it, or Amazon. They will get lots of new t-shirts and will wear the same 10-14 items. We pack a winter/summer bag and trade them out. If they are going north, pack a coat, it snows before Thanksgiving and after spring break.
• “If the sign says they will tow if you park here, they will!”
• “Dealing with loneliness.”
• “How to talk on the phone. How to make an appointment and fill out medical forms.”
• “Nomeans no, stop means stop. 2. Stick up for others around you. People who have a smaller voice who are afraid to speak for themselves, be a good friend, and do what’s right.”
• “Make sure your son knows that even is a girl/young woman has only had one drink, and he sleeps with her, it can be considered r*pe. (As in, she can change her mind later and he will be labeled the rest of his life.) Most on or near campus problems (arrests, assaults, mur*ers and severe falls) are associated with alcohol. (Only drink where you are spending the night, or have a sober ride home.) Change a tire and never leave your gas tank below half a tank. (Emergency trips home, or to help a friend.) My nephew would tell him to never, ever turn his phone/ringer off over night. He lost his dad (my brother) and we were all trying to reach him. Also why you need that more than half tank of gas…”
• “Signs of an overdose and alcohol poisoning. Know what to do and not to panic!”
• “If you miss 1 class, it’s like missing 5 days of high school. Find a place to study and go there every day whether you feel like it or not. The library is a good place. Only go to social things on weekends. Set 2 alarms. Read the book.”
• “Being able to advocate for yourself. Sounds simple but so many young adults don’t know how to speak to older adults like their doctors, receptionists, people at the bank, etc.”
• “The difference between fun hazing and dangerous hazing. Signs of alcohol poisoning and knowing when to ask for help. Mom will never judge and always be a safe place for help at any hour. The library is a really great place to study and keep up with homework and grades. If he can set a routine to go even for an hour, that will be amazing for his studies. ‘I’m going to the library from 5-6pm bro, wanna get dinner after?’ is a perfect way to make the library cool.”
• “How to handle a natural disaster in the area they will be living. I moved to TX for college from NM so I was clueless about tornadoes.”
• “Not everyone will like you or want to be your friend and that is okay.”
• “Rule of 10-10-10. How will this decision effect me 10 minutes from now, 10 months from now, 10 years from now? The internet is forever.”
• “Not trying to scare you, but have a frank discussion about drugs. Every school is different, but I have one on the east coast and one on the west coast. Both mentioned drugs are a problem(more so west), especially in fraternities. Keeping a can of Narcan is a good idea in case he’s exposed to something.”
• “How to apologize.”
• “Make phone calls for appointments for things like Dr visits, hair cuts, pharmacies, etc. We as parents tend to do this for them and they really need to know how to navigate it on their own. We take for granted they can do it, but for many, making a phone call like that is super anxiety ridden. Also, make sure they are 100% responsible for all things college related. The schools will not talk to you once they are there, so they must start dealing with it now, so that when they are there it is not so overwhelming and they already have a comfort level with these issues.”
• “How to communicate with friends if you don’t have money to do something.”
• “Read the directions. It’s ok to ask for help/assistance. Keep showing up.”
• “A small tool kit for essentials, and make sure they connect with campus medical clinic in case of illness. Extension cords. Roll of quarters to wash clothes.”
• “How to make a appointment. Make sure to get a doctors note. Don’t text your employer to call in sick. You must call them. What meds can be mixed. How to plunge a toilet.”
• “How to use his health insurance, check for docs in network, preauthorization, what is a copay, what is a deductible. How to budget money. How to write a term paper. How to say “no”. What to do/not do when pulled over by cop.”
• “Take advantage of office hours and opportunities to get to know professors early, before you realize need their help. I had a professor who hosted pre-exam ‘review’ sessions, I found out halfway through the semester she’d actually go through the test itself. Buddy system at parties – don’t leave friends behind and find friends who won’t leave you.”
• “Build relationships with teachers – you can use them for references for grad school or job applications later.”
• “How to unlock a door using an old school key. I have two teenagers and apparently I forgot to teach them, so we had a humorous event occur and now they know how to use a key.”
• “Never leave laundry in the washer overnight. It will take 2 more washes to get the smell out.”
• “Teens should be able to get up, get ready by themselves and get out the door on time. They should be able to manage their own schoolwork and should be knowledgeable about sex, pregnancy prevention, dating and sexual violence, and dangers associated with alcohol and drugs. They should also know how to manage simple illnesses and conditions like a cold, athletes foot, etc.”
• “My father’s advice that I still remember is never to be in a hurry. Give yourself time. And do something nice for yourself regularly. This may not logistically help, but I still hear his words.”
• “Dont put it down, put it away.”